Capricorn, December 21 to January 19.
It is safe to assume that you, gentle reader, were not born under Capricorn because you wouldn't be reading a frivolous article like this. Earnest, industrious and dull, a Capricorn is able to quench the merriest gathering merely by being there. Millard Fillmore was a Capricorn.
Capricorns make good husbands because they are unable to see a bill, no matter whose, without paying it. Their health is poor, and they seldom have much fun, but perhaps they don't want to. Benjamin Franklin was the only cheerful Capricorn on record.
Clara Barton, founder of the American Red Cross, was a Capricorn. And poor sick Chekhov (try and picture him wearing a lampshade and slipping ice cubes down your cleavage). And Alexander Hamilton, our first Secretary of the Treasury, who got shot by Aquarian Aaron Burr.
Capricorn people, in spite of their sterling qualities, have a regrettable tendency to toady to those above and grind down those below. They can be crafty and greedy, too. Capricorns often die young, which, considering their rather chilly natures and their difficult, dull lives, may come as a relief to all concerned.