Is It Safe To Gnaw Through The Straps Now? (ericcoleman) wrote,
Is It Safe To Gnaw Through The Straps Now?

Reflections On The Glorious History Of Conservatism

By William S.E. Coleman, Ph.D.

The Republicans say Liberals are immoral and evil – and quite un-Christian. They insist that conservatives are compassionate, moral and very, very Christian. Before we accept those assertions, let's look at the historical record.

Soon after we seized land from the Indians and set out to destroy them as a race, conservative religious fundamentalists drowned and burned alleged witches at the stake. Religious conservatives sanctioned and legalized these horrors. Drowning and burning, of course, were a proper form of Christian religious instruction.

During the Revolutionary War “Loyalist” conservatives sided with the British. Subversive liberals revolted against tyranny and formed our nation. Conservatives even now resent the fact that the Divine right of rule is not possible in the United States, but they are still trying.

In the early years of our country, liberals fought to extend voting rights to those who had no property. Compassionate conservatives opposed it. They argued that if you didn't have the gumption to earn enough money to buy property, you didn't deserve the right to vote.

Then those same conservatives created a poll tax so the poor could not afford to vote. Those radical liberals fought against the poll tax for several generations - until it was repealed.

Evil liberals fought against slavery. Compassionate racist conservatives saw slaves as private property and fought to preserve that economically efficient institution. No wages meant more profits. How Christian!

After the Civil War compassionate conservatives kept former slaves from voting for generations. Un-Christian liberals tried to give these newly freed citizens the vote. More than a few died in that fight. Of course, they were killed by compassionate conservatives belonging to the Ku Klux Klan, a self-proclaimed Christian organization dedicated to instructing freed slaves to keep their place by beating, mutilating, and lynching them. That, of course, was a Christian and compassionate form of teaching.

Compassionate conservatives invented segregation, a device that kept an inferior race from copulating with their lily-white daughters. However, it was permissible for their sons to dally with young Black women. The sexual instruction they gained gave them more expertise in their marriages to pure white Southern women.

Bolshevik liberals fought for the creation of labor unions and the right to organize and strike for better wages. Compassionate conservatives shot some of these dreadful agitators down. After all, private property was far more sacred than the right of the poor to put food on their tables. What is this mumbo jumbo that pleads, “Give us this day our daily bread”?

Liberals, intent on destroying the sacred institution of marriage, fought for women's right to vote. Compassionate conservatives told us (and still do) that their conservative God wants women to stay in their place, service their husbands on demand, get frequently pregnant, and stay within the shelter of their homes. To their credit, they didn’t demand their wives to wear burkas. Baggy, unrevealing dresses did very nicely. There was a practicality in keeping women in their place. The more children these dutiful wives had, the cheaper the labor supply was. Heathen liberals had the audacity to say their God wants women to have opinions, that women should the right for equal pay for equal work, and - horrors! - the right of biological choice.

During the FDR years, compassionate conservatives fought against rural electrification - until they owned the power companies.

Compassionate conservatives, afraid that their children would have an uncontrollable biological urge to intermarry with liberal children, set up private schools and colleges and universities to keep their young away from all those evil poor children. In retaliation, anarchist liberals funded and built public schools and set up land grant universities with low tuition. Wisely, compassionate conservatives kept the funding low for such subversive educational activities.

Evil, conniving liberals instituted the graduated income tax. Compassionate conservatives fought against it. How dare the many ask the privileged few to pay their share of protecting and improving our country? Compassionate conservatives believe that the underpaid many should contribute to the rich's lavish life style.

Then, when we weren't looking, our Congress - those fine honest fellow - put in tax dodges so the rich can have those hard earned second mansions, yachts, and corporate meetings at exotic far away places. Since those wonderful compassionate conservatives worked so hard, they have the recreational right to hire expensive call girls and deduct their services from their tax bill. Compassionate conservatives love offshore tax shelters. That way they don't have to support the ungrateful poor with tax money.

Liberal FDR, may his soul rot in hell, created that tool of the Devil, Social Security. Compassionate conservatives opposed it. Only their elderly should live to a comfortable and ripe old age. Let those poor old coots eat dog food!

Compassionate conservatives tell us we have received tax cuts. Ours may buy us an extra bag of groceries once a month. Theirs buys them yachts. They know what to do with their hard earned money. We don't.

Compassionate conservatives give drug companies every break they can. Their Christian profits are more important that the health of our nation.

Compassionate conservatives believe they can tell us what to do in our bedrooms. Theirs, quite rightly, remain private. So do their bathroom stalls.

Did those Bible-thumping compassionate Conservatives ever looked inside the Good Book? No, they are beating it into submission and creating a new God in their own sick image as they continue their centuries long tradition of doing the work of the Devil. They are the moneychangers that Jesus ran out of the temple, and HE was the Liberal they persecuted.

In reaction to this thoroughly un-Christian Conservative tradition, I lift my head proudly and proclaim, “I am a Liberal!”

I hope President Barack Obama keeps the proud Liberal tradition of social justice alive and well during his term (s) of office.

Bill Coleman
Tags: conservatism
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